Asperger’s Syndrome (a poem)
By: Marguerite Long
July 24th, 1998
I long to reach you -
so I stretch out my hand -
but I touch a thick glass wall -
and I don’t understand.
I think that it’s me -
something that I’ve done -
so I try double time,
to reach you – precious one.
But you’re feelings are locked away -
behind that thick glass wall -
and you don’t care – or even hear -
my heartache – and desperate call.
I haven’t always understood
that you can’t connect with me.
I thought you cruelly rejected
my deepest self – you see.
My deepest self that FEELS -
and expresses not in words -
an inflexion or a tone of voice
or body language that occurs.
My precious lonely husband -
behind glass you’re locked away.
My eyes can see a smorgasbord -
but I’m starving every day.
93% of communication
is not spoken literal words -
body language and tone of voice,
is not just for the birds.
I feel like I’m starving
in the midst of a feast.
I feel abandoned and abused -
to say the very least.
I’ve tried to break the glass -
to reach you precious one.
But the more desperate that I get -
the more abusive you become.
I’ve raged in anger and disbelief -
that you couldn’t open the door.
‘Til I finally realised the glass is sealed -
and it’s pointless to try any more.
In the meantime I must learn
to turn the other cheek -
through mockery and sarcastic words -
when revenge is what I seek.
and I must grow in love and patience
and forgiveness and long-suffering too -
through the long and empty hours -
of the silent unreachable you.
When I feel like I don’t exist -
with loneliness way beyond bearing -
and anger rises to irrational heights
at this lack of nurture and caring.
With Asperger’s Syndrome -
there are the valleys of silence,
until frustration leads you
to the mountains of violence.
Silence begins to climb the mountain
with arguments and debating -
leading to abuse and door-slamming -
then retreats to the silence – abating.
The cycle is very predictable -
because you’re trapped in that glass wall -
and silence or violence is the only way -
you can express your FEELINGS at all.
On a factual logical level -
your mind is very clear.
And business associates would never guess
that your FEELINGS are trapped in fear.
Copyright © 24th July, 1998 Marguerite Long. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered, and retains this copyright message.